I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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