I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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