It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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