so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
