...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
