I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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