dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
