I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
