The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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