How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
