Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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