I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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