Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
