Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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