i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
