How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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