Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
