Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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