If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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