The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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