Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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