cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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