I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
you never un-have a 4some
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
