Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
