sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
