make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
