So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also, beer. Big fan.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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