I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
