So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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