Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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