When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dick very happy bro
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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