I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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