our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
