we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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