You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He better not be in your backpack
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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