I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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