oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
