Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize