I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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