It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
