i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize