Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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