The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
