Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
