The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize