I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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