haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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