I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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