when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
