If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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