I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
