I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
