i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
