So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize