Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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