You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
