I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
