My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
