i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
