Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
