I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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