my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
