if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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