I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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